The Precipice

 

photo by Tiago Muraro

 

 

 

I am standing at the precipice.

Toes curled over the edge, contemplating.

Just a few short feet below the edge floats a swirling bank of clouds. Blocking the way down. Is it a short drop into a safe pool of water? Is it a horrifying plummet with jagged rocks below?

I don’t know. Because I can’t see.

Tomorrow I begin chemotherapy for colon cancer.

What hides in the Stygian unknown? I have no frame of reference for what will happen. I understand the process that will occur tomorrow. But how will it effect me?

I hear stories of the ‘short drop’ variety and others of the ‘screaming and flailing’ flavor. What will be my experience?

I obviously won’t find the answers to these questions until I jump. It’s like life, I think. Sometimes the anticipation–the ‘not knowing’–is worse than the reality.

And if we want to fly, we always have to jump.

I choose flight.

My cancer story started last month and a lot of what I have been struggling with before that discovery makes more sense now. I haven’t been actively writing for a long time. The exhaustion went to the bone. It felt like my very soul was worn out.  So while I haven’t been able to work on the stories I love lately, it looks like I will have a bit more practice in the realm of creative non-fiction.  🙂

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8 thoughts on “The Precipice”

  1. You aren’t alone. That jump comes after being pushed to the edge, and we all cling ferociously to what IS. When that becomes “used to be” we are newly born into what we must embrace. Clear as mud? Of course, but it will become your new version mortality, and you will see more clearly. I promise.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s hard to even fathom what you must be processing at the moment. Know that you are in my prayers. Very beautiful and inspiring words. Faith & God have a way of working through these moments in our lives. To teach, learn and grow, and to pull is forward. Words can’t express the emotion, and hope I feel for you. Know that your never alone and christ arms will hold and carry you through this. If there’s anything I can do. I’m here for you. Until then claim his word. God always keeps his promises.

    Like

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